Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Dresses, ice cream and tears. .. wanted to add a sentence, but apparently I had more to say
Today I went grad dress shopping with a group of people. It was really awesome! I dont think it was my idea but I pushed for it to happen so I feel kinda like I organized it. Which is cool. Everyone had fun.
Repeatedly I flashed back to previous grades, as far back as grade 8, when my friends and I would frequently peak into dress stores, occasionally venturing to go inside and gape at the pretty gowns. I remember my sister's prom dress quite clearly from two years ago. Last year I was swarmed with descriptions of excited grade twelves' new dresses and even had a taste of it as I bought a simply purple dress for my boyfriend's (at the time) grad. My chest began to swell with deep satisfaction as I sat in the dressing room, watching the girls spin around in bright puffy dresses, eyes sparkling at the glamour of graduating. Dreams of the celebrations to come cleared the air of stress, pain and the dullness of everyday life. It was our turn. I had made it. I felt the swiftness of time passing me by and my eyes filled with tears. I thought this day would never come. I suppose subconsciously I thought I would be forever imprisioned in a dark and meaningless routine. I felt like a passenger on a train winding its way down a blackened dead end tunnel; burning all fuel as an attempt to escape the blackness until painfully crashing into the end of the line. As if I was staring at the window into the bleak stones until today when the darkness opened up to rolling hills leading to the ocean - the train found its exit.
As I looked at the ear to ear grin on my friends face and felt it mirrored on my own I involuntarily thought back to all those nights that I wanted to give up. Those nights when I tried to strangle myself, held knives to my wrists, or swallowed a bottle of pills. I remember lying in bed thinking my life was literally finally over. I remember balling on the phone trying to tell my friend I was going to die. I remember the struggle to carry on and the desire for death. I remember, I remember, I remembered. I realized I've made it. I've made it through high school. I'm in the final years of my teens. It's almost over. I did it. I got through.
I know, I KNOW its not quite over yet. I know that life is full of challenges. I know. I'm just finally past the first step.
In that store, obsessing over graduation, I was overwhelmed with how far I've come. The excitment in that room, the excitment I imagined to come in 10 months, and the excitment about life overwhelmed me. It hit me how differently I view life now. Some things that I thought I would have to endure forever are just a part of the past now. What I used to think was life, was just a caged up ball of confusion. That's not life. When people died, when I was having a bad day, when I was in pain, people would tell me that that's just a part of life. Unfortunately I got the wrong idea. I began to believe that WAS life. I was so wrong.
Yes, pain is a part of life, but a small part compared to everything else it has to offer. Compared to the love and beauty in life, pain is small. If I could only have believed sooner that the 'huge' amount of pain I was feeling was tiny in comparison to everything else life has to offer, things would have been much easier. I was just too small minded and hopeless to believe in so much good.
This has taken me quite some time to type out, but it was all felt in a matter of about a minute. I felt like crying at how lucky I was to know all that now and I felt like crying at how close I was to never having the chance. Then I felt like crying for those who never did get the chance.
My eyes swelled for Kayla, who did see the beauty of life and love through all her radiation, kemo, pain and other challenges. My heart ached for Acacia, who did not see the beauty. I know how lucky I am, how lucky we are, that we've made it this far.
Repeatedly I flashed back to previous grades, as far back as grade 8, when my friends and I would frequently peak into dress stores, occasionally venturing to go inside and gape at the pretty gowns. I remember my sister's prom dress quite clearly from two years ago. Last year I was swarmed with descriptions of excited grade twelves' new dresses and even had a taste of it as I bought a simply purple dress for my boyfriend's (at the time) grad. My chest began to swell with deep satisfaction as I sat in the dressing room, watching the girls spin around in bright puffy dresses, eyes sparkling at the glamour of graduating. Dreams of the celebrations to come cleared the air of stress, pain and the dullness of everyday life. It was our turn. I had made it. I felt the swiftness of time passing me by and my eyes filled with tears. I thought this day would never come. I suppose subconsciously I thought I would be forever imprisioned in a dark and meaningless routine. I felt like a passenger on a train winding its way down a blackened dead end tunnel; burning all fuel as an attempt to escape the blackness until painfully crashing into the end of the line. As if I was staring at the window into the bleak stones until today when the darkness opened up to rolling hills leading to the ocean - the train found its exit.
As I looked at the ear to ear grin on my friends face and felt it mirrored on my own I involuntarily thought back to all those nights that I wanted to give up. Those nights when I tried to strangle myself, held knives to my wrists, or swallowed a bottle of pills. I remember lying in bed thinking my life was literally finally over. I remember balling on the phone trying to tell my friend I was going to die. I remember the struggle to carry on and the desire for death. I remember, I remember, I remembered. I realized I've made it. I've made it through high school. I'm in the final years of my teens. It's almost over. I did it. I got through.
I know, I KNOW its not quite over yet. I know that life is full of challenges. I know. I'm just finally past the first step.
In that store, obsessing over graduation, I was overwhelmed with how far I've come. The excitment in that room, the excitment I imagined to come in 10 months, and the excitment about life overwhelmed me. It hit me how differently I view life now. Some things that I thought I would have to endure forever are just a part of the past now. What I used to think was life, was just a caged up ball of confusion. That's not life. When people died, when I was having a bad day, when I was in pain, people would tell me that that's just a part of life. Unfortunately I got the wrong idea. I began to believe that WAS life. I was so wrong.
Yes, pain is a part of life, but a small part compared to everything else it has to offer. Compared to the love and beauty in life, pain is small. If I could only have believed sooner that the 'huge' amount of pain I was feeling was tiny in comparison to everything else life has to offer, things would have been much easier. I was just too small minded and hopeless to believe in so much good.
This has taken me quite some time to type out, but it was all felt in a matter of about a minute. I felt like crying at how lucky I was to know all that now and I felt like crying at how close I was to never having the chance. Then I felt like crying for those who never did get the chance.
My eyes swelled for Kayla, who did see the beauty of life and love through all her radiation, kemo, pain and other challenges. My heart ached for Acacia, who did not see the beauty. I know how lucky I am, how lucky we are, that we've made it this far.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The beginning of the end.
The first 'first day of school' I remember is Kindergarten. I remember waving good bye, finding my name tag and wondering if the forgotten name tag under 'Rachel' was my cousin or not. Most clearly of all, I remember leaving and getting an ice cream candy.
The next 'first day' that stuck was grade 5. I was curious as to what it felt like to be the new girl at this new school. I got ready hours before hand and was anxiously but excitedly waiting in line as the doors opened. I was seperated from my siblings and put in a room of strangers.
The next first day of school I suppose would be grade 6. It was nice to see friendly faces in a firmilar building; however I spent the day hiding and fearing the surprise arrival womanhood had made that morning.
Grade seven was awkward as I joined the outcasted class of a new school with a shameless friend. I was anticipating the challenges of that year. At least thats what I suppose. There is no clear moment I can recall. It was nice to have a such a loving and loyal peer in a sea of new faces; even if she was a bit weird.
Next is grade 8; new school once again. I clearly remember shy and uncomfortable greetings with people I once new; clinging on to aquantences for dear life. Grade 9 rolled around, apparently too fast for me to etch the details into memory; it was a blur.
Grade 10 was basically the same as grade 8; new school with old firmilar faces. It would have been worse but I was becoming immune to feeling so uncomfortable. My hopes of old friendships sparking immediately went from low to dead as previous best friends only offered a short hello.
By the time grade 11 rolled around with another new school I wasn't dissapointed. I had no expectations. I was pleased when people made small talk and one even girl took the time to welcome me and offer a friendship. It was heart breaking though as it wasn't the school I had fell in love with.
I should add 4 more days as there were changes throughout the middle of the year. Grade 5 I changed around Thanksgiving. Grade 7 I changed after Christmas. Grade 10 I changed around November and February.
Today was my last first day. I started grade 12. I can confidently say it was the best first day of school I've ever had.
The next 'first day' that stuck was grade 5. I was curious as to what it felt like to be the new girl at this new school. I got ready hours before hand and was anxiously but excitedly waiting in line as the doors opened. I was seperated from my siblings and put in a room of strangers.
The next first day of school I suppose would be grade 6. It was nice to see friendly faces in a firmilar building; however I spent the day hiding and fearing the surprise arrival womanhood had made that morning.
Grade seven was awkward as I joined the outcasted class of a new school with a shameless friend. I was anticipating the challenges of that year. At least thats what I suppose. There is no clear moment I can recall. It was nice to have a such a loving and loyal peer in a sea of new faces; even if she was a bit weird.
Next is grade 8; new school once again. I clearly remember shy and uncomfortable greetings with people I once new; clinging on to aquantences for dear life. Grade 9 rolled around, apparently too fast for me to etch the details into memory; it was a blur.
Grade 10 was basically the same as grade 8; new school with old firmilar faces. It would have been worse but I was becoming immune to feeling so uncomfortable. My hopes of old friendships sparking immediately went from low to dead as previous best friends only offered a short hello.
By the time grade 11 rolled around with another new school I wasn't dissapointed. I had no expectations. I was pleased when people made small talk and one even girl took the time to welcome me and offer a friendship. It was heart breaking though as it wasn't the school I had fell in love with.
I should add 4 more days as there were changes throughout the middle of the year. Grade 5 I changed around Thanksgiving. Grade 7 I changed after Christmas. Grade 10 I changed around November and February.
Today was my last first day. I started grade 12. I can confidently say it was the best first day of school I've ever had.
Monday, September 6, 2010
yes. I am insane
I'M GOING TO GO CRAZY. I just had an AMAZING time on the island. I absolutely love it there. I love the place. I love the people. I love the smell.
Before I left on Thursday I was pretty sure I wanted to move to the island; I just didn't think it was practical. Now that I've thought it over I decided I shouldn't give up before I know for sure.
However, as SOON as I walked back in through my house doors the idea seemed so far off and absurd. It seemed insane! Now that I'm typing about it the temptation is still there.
Its different on the island now. I can feel that its not the same, but that's okay. Everything changes, and its good that I realize that. I was afraid that everything would be different. Now I don't have to be afraid. Things have changed, but not in a bad way. I love the city, I love the school. It offers the classes I want. I would love to live on my own. Those are things that will be the same throughout the social dynamics of my friend group.\
Its scary. Change is scary.
I just talked to Diane. Imma stay here.
Before I left on Thursday I was pretty sure I wanted to move to the island; I just didn't think it was practical. Now that I've thought it over I decided I shouldn't give up before I know for sure.
However, as SOON as I walked back in through my house doors the idea seemed so far off and absurd. It seemed insane! Now that I'm typing about it the temptation is still there.
Its different on the island now. I can feel that its not the same, but that's okay. Everything changes, and its good that I realize that. I was afraid that everything would be different. Now I don't have to be afraid. Things have changed, but not in a bad way. I love the city, I love the school. It offers the classes I want. I would love to live on my own. Those are things that will be the same throughout the social dynamics of my friend group.\
Its scary. Change is scary.
I just talked to Diane. Imma stay here.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
NEXT. ... for some reason this isnt publish.
Ahhhh the house to myself. I love it.
I think I've become so used to facebook and text messaging that its become hard to type out actual paragraphs, or sentences even. I don't feel like using imagery or blah blah blah. All I ever want to do is get to the point. Well, I guess thats not the thing that holds me back. Honestly, its the time that I can pour into writing. I love the effect that words can have and can spend 10 minutes on a sentence. If you write carefully, and people read it just as carefully you can share your message and create an intimate understanding. Its not something quick though. To add salt to the wound, I like detail. Such passions are great when writing an essay for school sometimes, but when its purely recreational it makes everything take SO long. I guess I don't really like spending time writing things unless they're the best that I can do. If I know I'm going to do a crappy job on it I want it to the point or short; so thats what I usually do. It kinda robs my soul :P
Did grade nine orientation today. Wanna hear my schedule? GOLLY! I'm not complaining or anything, I'm just wrapping my head around it.
Worked Monday to Friday .. Hung out with Raven and Kirin on Wednesday - can't even remember what we did :/ ... Raven went home Thursday and I had a staff party... Went to Surrey on Friday and had a sleep over with Steph and Christine.... Went to the PNE on Saturday- after 6 hours I went home and crashed... Sunday I went to Church, Football tourny, hung out with Cat and Steph and then went back to Abby
Was at school at 8 on monday... after that just hung out with a bunch of girl friends :)
Was at school at 8 on tuesday .. after that went shopping, then went back to school for course changing then went to see a movie - Jenn and Kirin slept over
Was at school at 7 on Wednesday .. orientation for grade 9s
I was supposed to come home and babysit but the kids aren't here :) Have to go to work though in 2 hours
Tomorrow I'm babysitting all day then leaving for the island. Monday I'll come back and go grad camping. Tuesday is school. Friday I'll hopefully go back to the island. The next Friday is the school dance that I have to not only go to but help out at.
.. :)
My courses for next year..
*work experience
*leadership
SEMESTER ONE:
-Bio
-Math
-Lit
-AP English
SEMESTER TWO: (probably will change)
-French
-Calculus
-AP English
that was all surface. nothing about everything thats been going through my mind. and its already so long! GGGAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHH
Alright. Next activity :)
I think I've become so used to facebook and text messaging that its become hard to type out actual paragraphs, or sentences even. I don't feel like using imagery or blah blah blah. All I ever want to do is get to the point. Well, I guess thats not the thing that holds me back. Honestly, its the time that I can pour into writing. I love the effect that words can have and can spend 10 minutes on a sentence. If you write carefully, and people read it just as carefully you can share your message and create an intimate understanding. Its not something quick though. To add salt to the wound, I like detail. Such passions are great when writing an essay for school sometimes, but when its purely recreational it makes everything take SO long. I guess I don't really like spending time writing things unless they're the best that I can do. If I know I'm going to do a crappy job on it I want it to the point or short; so thats what I usually do. It kinda robs my soul :P
Did grade nine orientation today. Wanna hear my schedule? GOLLY! I'm not complaining or anything, I'm just wrapping my head around it.
Worked Monday to Friday .. Hung out with Raven and Kirin on Wednesday - can't even remember what we did :/ ... Raven went home Thursday and I had a staff party... Went to Surrey on Friday and had a sleep over with Steph and Christine.... Went to the PNE on Saturday- after 6 hours I went home and crashed... Sunday I went to Church, Football tourny, hung out with Cat and Steph and then went back to Abby
Was at school at 8 on monday... after that just hung out with a bunch of girl friends :)
Was at school at 8 on tuesday .. after that went shopping, then went back to school for course changing then went to see a movie - Jenn and Kirin slept over
Was at school at 7 on Wednesday .. orientation for grade 9s
I was supposed to come home and babysit but the kids aren't here :) Have to go to work though in 2 hours
Tomorrow I'm babysitting all day then leaving for the island. Monday I'll come back and go grad camping. Tuesday is school. Friday I'll hopefully go back to the island. The next Friday is the school dance that I have to not only go to but help out at.
.. :)
My courses for next year..
*work experience
*leadership
SEMESTER ONE:
-Bio
-Math
-Lit
-AP English
SEMESTER TWO: (probably will change)
-French
-Calculus
-AP English
that was all surface. nothing about everything thats been going through my mind. and its already so long! GGGAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHH
Alright. Next activity :)
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